Wednesday, January 18, 2017
I don't know many people who care for you, to be honest. You are an absolute control freak, and you somehow manage to do so without being recognized much of the time. I'm on to you though. I have fought battles with you so much of my life and not only are you strong but you are persistant. For much of my life, when you and I battled, I would concede and allow you to win because of the energy it took me to fight you. It hardly seemed worth it. Then I would be angry with myself for letting you win as you would sit back with a smirk on your face, hands gripped on the steering wheel of my life.
We have mutual friends named grief and vulnerability and we recently had a chat about you. They tried telling me you weren't so bad. They tried convincing me that you actually care for me, and as I rolled my eyes and crossed my arms, ready to scream my objections, they held my hand and softly whispered "fear doesn't want to be the driver in your life all the time. He can't speak but is always wanting to know how badly you want something. All you need to do is take his hand and invite him into the passenger seat as you hold the wheel with authority. He is happy to sit there with you as a reminder to keep moving forward. You need him beside you, because as you look at him, he wears a shirt that says "what do you really want?"
They got me thinking, fear. Could they be right? Or are they out to get me too? For a long time I thought you were someone else. I thought you were "insecurity" which is this guy I met when I was a kid. He changed shapes a lot and grew every time someone said or did something that caused me to feel not good enough. I believed everything he used to say to me, and it was never good, nor ever true as it turns out. He is full of lies and assumptions, and attempts to make others feel shitty about themselves.
I guess you're different. The only time I feel not good enough around you is when I let you take over. How about I keep insecurity in the back seat from now on and you can ride in the front with me? Better yet why don't we throw insecurity out the window and run him over until we can't hear his voice anymore? Maybe then I can't get you and him mixed up anymore.
So fear, here's the deal. I want to live my life. I want to be happy. I want to be outside my comfort zone often. I want to do hard things and do them with the quiet understanding that I am capable and worthy. Sometimes your voice leads me to believe this isn't the case. I will work on listening to whose voice is speaking. And you can hold my hand, but I will be the one controlling the wheel.